How to Listen::The Art of Listening

Have you ever had problems paying attention? More specifically, have you ever had problems listening to your loved one?...where you 'zone out' and half-listen to your partner's side of the conversation...I have...guilty as charged. Well, I aim to fix that nasty habit and if you are reading this article, chances are, you are too! It may even save a relationship, who knows? Hell, maybe we can help each other!

First off, we need to get to the root of the problem...Why? Why do we, as humans (especially men), stop paying attention to our significant other? Do you find her boring? Did you have a long, hard day and the last thing you want to hear is some lecture about how you fail to clean after yourself? Are you tired of hearing how someone in the Walmart checkout line was rude and obnoxious to her? Or are you so tuned into your favorite television program that you don't want to even bother with the trivial complaints that she always throws at you?...Maybe that's it. Honestly, I don't think that is really it. Although all those things may run through our heads, it's only a contributor, not the reason.

So, what is it then? Truth is I believe it's a behavioral pattern, a routine response built by each of us because our minds adapt. We already know, or think we know, what she is going to say before she says it. Therefore, we make assumptions. We predict what she is going to say based on a few 'trigger' words. When this happens, our minds formulate conclusions based on the limited information that we did hear and then we go about our business. It's really a matter of laziness! Now, with that in mind, throw in a few of the above mentioned contributors such as 'we are tired', 'had a long day at work', 'she's just complaining about me or someone else', 'I love my CSI', and all of a sudden...you are not paying attention...AT ALL. In fact, you can almost care less...

Indeed, how do we fix this? Simple, you turn the volume up on the television and go on your merry way!

Of course, we can't do that, although the temptation is high (believe me, I know). So, how do we do it?

One of the best ways to listen is to repeat what the other person said to you. Even better, you should summarize it (or reword it) in order to focus the mind on the topic at hand. A lot of times we hear the first part of the conversation, but for some reason we are quickly distracted and we never hear the middle or the end of the it. Repeating it back reinforces the topic and allows the mind to stay with it.

Secondly, ask questions about the topic...even if it's obvious. On, one hand it shows that you are interested, and it allows your brain to actively search on related information. For instance, I'll give you a scenario:

It's after work and you are watching...I don't know...The Tiger Woods 'interview' about his future plans on the PGA Tour. Breaking news...right?

Well, guess who walks up on you just in time...She says, "Hon, guess what happened to me today?"

Stop right there.

The natural tendency here is to say in your head...'Boring, boring.' Heck, it's freakin Tiger Woods and I want to see if he's going to tell me how many chicks he boinked!

Instead of doing the norm, stop, look over at her and say. "What happened, dear?"

She goes on. "I bought these red pair of shoes and they were absolutely fabulous! They go with a couple of my favorite outfits but they hurt to hell! But wait, I gotta tell you what happened." (By the way, this story by Stimp, hilarious, and I don't like shoes!)

Now, of course, what guy really cares about the shoes? I mean, unless they are really hot or bizarre, we really don't care. Yes, yes...but appease her. She's telling you a story. And, who knows, the story might be interesting!

Your response: "You said you got some shoes? Can I see them?" She excitedly shows you the shoes and then you say, "Now what happened today?"

Just be attentive, rephrase a few lines, and believe me, you will become a better listener...even if you are not particularly fond of the subject!